Anyone else seeing what were once healthy relationships fall apart?
I’ve talked to people who have lost family relationships, friendships, marriages, long-term dating relationships, and connections with colleagues in recent years. Some of it over disagreements and varying interpretations of current events. Other times, the conflict seems to be a result of weary, exhausted, and angry people making the kinds of decisions and showing the lack of kindness that comes when one is weary, exhausted, and angry.
I Want to Help Your Relationships Get Healthier!
The following 21 secrets will apply to all kinds of relationships. In this article, relationships ≠ romantic relationships.
Also, these secrets are not all original to me. However, I do hope to share from my experience and earned wisdom to save you on what someone once called the “dumb tax.” I’ve already paid that tax, so learn from my experience so your relationships can be healthier.
I could write a full email on each of these secrets, but I’m going to stick to a paragraph for each.
Secrets to Healthy Relationships, Part 1
1. Zero conflict is a sign of an untested or unhealthy relationship.
I’ve heard so many couples say, “We’re just so healthy – we never fight!” I don’t buy it. Neither does my friend Blake. “I don’t trust a relationship until our first conflict.” While constant conflict can signify an unhealthy relationship, so can zero conflict. When conflict is non-existent, trust is often missing. Trust allows for the kind of honesty that creates genuine and healthy conflict.
**HELP WITH CONFLICT: My church staff read this book during the winter, and we engaged in challenging (but needed) conflict.
2. Apologize without excuse or explanation.
Apologies are so easy to undermine. Excuses, blaming, ifs and buts, explaining, and justifying don’t help! We’ve all been on the other side of an inadequate apology, where the person thought they were making it better, but they made it much worse. The shorter, the simpler, the more straightforward apology – the better!
**HELP WITH APOLOGIES: I apologized a lot back in 2020. I learned a lot about apologizing well from this podcast episode.
3. No one is over-encouraged.
Healthy relationships are life-giving, where we give and receive encouragement. Since encouragement leaks, it’s okay to let the people who love you know you need a lift from them! I’ve even found that encouraging others in seasons when I feel depleted can help fill me back up! Like the Macedonian believers that Paul commends in 2 Corinthians 8, we can give out of poverty and find a blessing.
**HELP WITH ENCOURAGEMENT: When someone comes to mind this week, don’t treat it as an accident. Email, text, or call to let them know you’re thinking of them and what you appreciate about them.
4. Talk to people, not about people.
Gossip is so easy in a social-media and smartphone-driven world. It’s so much easier to talk ABOUT people than it is to talk to people. Going home and talking to a significant other or going out and talking with friends about a problem with someone at work is way easier than walking down the hall at work and talking to that person directly. While it’s WAY harder to talk ABOUT people, nothing gets better until we talk TO people.
**A QUOTE TO REMEMBER: “The relationship you want is on the other side of a conversation you’ve been unwilling to have.” -Jeff Henderson
5. Healthy people go to counseling, too.
At one time, I believed that people only go to counseling when their marriage was hanging by a thread or when they blew up their life in self-destruction. I was very wrong! Counseling shouldn’t just be a last resort; it’s a great first option. Unhealthy people can benefit from counseling; healthy people can, too. Nearly every person I’ve talked to who has been in or is in counseling says the same thing. “I wish I had gone sooner.”
**HELP WITH COUNSELING: This post about preparing to start with a new therapist is one of my most popular blogs.
6. A healthier me = a healthier us.
One person’s will isn’t enough to create a healthy relationship. A healthy “us” depends on both of “us.” However, one person deciding to get healthier has a monumental impact. When one friend prioritizes sobriety or physical health, it’s incredible how contagious that choice can be. I always suggest that one person in a couple go to counseling even if the other won’t. Deciding to get healthier is a choice that always pays dividends, even if the relationship falls apart.
**A VERSE TO REMEMBER: ‘And let us consider one another in order to provoke love and good works, not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching. ‘ Hebrews 10:24-25
7. Connect before you correct.
I learned this one from my counselor. Some of my harshest words have been directed at those closest to me. The way I do corrections can tear down the connection. So, my counselor recommended that my wife and I increase our connection before you try correction. Correction in the context of connection and commitment has the best chance of being received and producing the desired results.
**AN IMPORTANT CLARIFICATION: I’m not talking about the compliment sandwich – also known by a more crass nickname. This disingenuous, manipulative trick often used in the marketplace is easy to see a mile away. I’m talking about building and cultivating a genuine connection and “pre-tagging” a piece of difficult or corrective feedback to ensure that the person receiving the “correction” hears your heartfelt intent.
8. Have hard conversations when you’re at your best, not your worst.
When my wife and I were engaged, we got a lot of terrible marriage advice! One piece of terrible marriage advice was, “Don’t go to bed angry.” I think that was an attempt to apply Ephesians 4:26. What’s the problem with this advice? Not every disagreement can be solved in one conversation! My wife is not a night person, so fighting late at night was not wise for us.
OUR TRICK: Through experience, we learned to have hard conversations when we were at our best. We did our best to acknowledge the hurt or pain in the moment and then scheduled when we would talk about the situation again.
9. Not all healthy relationships look the same.
I have several healthy friendships with other men, but they do not look the same. While they share common factors, my close friendships over the last 15 years have not been carbon copies of each other. At one point, I tried to make every relationship look like the others. But, over time and through experience, I learned that wasn’t wisdom!
HINT: In the same way that creation shows that God values uniqueness over uniformity, leave space for difference.
10. Elephants make messes.
The stuff we don’t discuss in a relationship is like an elephant in the room. Everyone knows the elephant is there, but ignoring it won’t make it disappear. Over time, that elephant makes a bigger and bigger mess and begins to dominate the relationship. Introduce the elephant and befriend it instead of ignoring it.
DISCLAIMER: There’s no guarantee that difficult conversations will go well. But, I prefer discomfort to dishonesty.
11. Boundaries are like crime scene tape.
One of my friends defined healthy boundaries this way. “Relational boundaries should be like crime scene tape that allows the right people in but keeps others out. It requires others to respect it even though they could easily try to walk under it or remove it. The people who get the most upset about your boundaries usually want to violate them the most.” While many people have heard of Cloud and Townsend’s best-selling book, Boundaries, fewer people have read it, and even fewer have acted upon it.
HELP: The final stage of my Forgiveness Journey Workbook includes guidance on setting boundaries when rebuilding trust.
12. Clarity is kindness.
A lot of relational conflict comes from a lack of clarity. Since we fear conflict, we deceive ourselves into thinking we do someone else a favor by not leveling with them. Healthy relationships, however, are built on the belief that “clarity is kindness.” Now, clarity expressed in a way that seeks to hurt and demean is common—but that kind of clarity is not Christlike. Jesus brought clarity to people without giving up compassion.
READ: If you need help with relationship clarity, this book can help!
13. Progress > Perfection.
Healthy relationships are not perfect. If you see a relationship and think it’s perfect, you do not see the complete picture. Healthy relationships don’t become healthy without time or effort. Stop thinking about perfection. Start thinking about sustained progress. When a relationship feels like It’s moving somewhere that both parties want to be, the progress gives hope for the future and motivation for the present.
WEAR IT: I found this shirt so I can wear this message.
14. Ask, don’t assume.
Many relationship conflicts arise because one party makes an assumption. Henry Winkler once said, “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” So, instead of assuming, what if you asked a question instead? Contrary to popular opinion, asking questions doesn’t make one look dumb. Asking questions revealed wisdom and intelligence. I admire curiosity and thoughtfulness when someone asks me a great question.
LEARN: If your relationships have a termite problem, here’s some help!!
15. Have zero tolerance for toxic behavior.
None of us are perfect. We feel imperfection when relationships allow us to get close enough to hurt each other. While we all have imperfections, there’s a big difference between weaknesses and toxic behavior. A similar-size gap separates blind spots, immaturity, and personality flaws from toxic behavior. Toxic behavior leads to abuse, whether verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, mental, or even spiritual. Wisdom leads us to set boundaries and insist on sustained patterns of behavior change.
A HEROIC EXAMPLE: Mary DeMuth is an abuse survivor who has used her story and influence to advocate for survivors. Read my interview with her here.
16. Think intentionally, not immediately.
Healthy relationships don’t develop overnight. We live in an “immediate” world where we can get many things we want in hours or, worse, a couple of days. However, healthy relationships develop slowly and within intentional care. Healthy things grow, but they grow at the speed of agriculture, not Amazon Prime. Think of your relationship growing in terms of year’s seasons, not hours on the clock or days on a calendar.
A WORD FOR THE WEARY: Galatians 6 includes a beautiful reflection about intentionality and perseverance.
17. Laughter is underrated.
Healthy relationships include laughter. Not because the people aren’t taking life seriously but because they’ve found a way to look for joy amid even the darkest pain. Whether finding a way to laugh instead of just crying or recalling a different time when something funny occurred, laughter is medicine for the soul. Relationships often take us into or through dark and challenging moments in life. We need a release valve for that tension and pain, which laughter readily provides.
LAUGH BREAK: Nate Bargatze is one of my favorite comedians, and this 14-minute video is excellent!
18. Healthy relationships are reciprocal without keeping score.
A sign of an unhealthy relationship is scoreboard-checking. Healthy relationships include a balance of reciprocity, where each party contributes in a balanced way. When someone begins thinking, “I’m always the one who calls,” “I’m always the one who gets the check,” or “I’m always the one who listens to their struggles,” that’s like a warning light on the dashboard of a car. It’s time to check something deeper before the problem gets worse. Life includes give-and-take, but things become unhealthy when it’s all one or the other.
AN ALTERNATIVE TO SCORE KEEPING: Learn more about scorekeeping and alternatives here.
19. One person cannot meet every need.
If you’re in a romantic relationship or married, one person cannot meet every relationship need. I have some great friends, but none of them (including my wife) meet all my friendship needs.
The myth is that one person can meet another person’s needs, whether as a best friend, a soulmate, or a business partner. The truth is that there is more weight than one relationship can hold. Healthy relationships recognize each person’s limits and respond accordingly.
MY VISION FOR A CHURCH THAT HEALS IN A WORLD OF CHURCH HURT: Watch that message here.
20. Time doesn’t always measure health.
Being healthy doesn’t mean you’ve been friends forever, and a long history with a person doesn’t guarantee health. We often compare relationship histories and assume that the longer we’ve been friends, the healthier the relationship must be. However, what we do over time determines whether our relationship(s) trends in a healthy direction.
IS COMPARISON A TOOL OR A DANGER? I share my answer here.
21. Healthy relationships reflect a LOT of work.
There’s work involved in every relationship. Drama takes work to navigate, conflict takes work, and repair takes work. We drift into unhealthy patterns; we do not drift into healthy ones. When you encounter a healthy working relationship, friendship, or even a healthy marriage, there’s a story of work to be told there.
SAY THANK YOU: If you’re enjoying a healthy relationship today, pause and send them a thank-you note. Whether it’s a text, email, phone call, or in-person conversation, express gratitude for their commitment and hard work.
That’s the List!
These 21 “secrets” are lessons I’ve learned from healthy relationships I admire, healthy people I respect, and my own failures over the years. I hope they’ve been helpful for you!
